La La Land

I guess it’s been a long time since women, especially single women, were interested in what I had to say. Which, I suppose, is why I am all comfortable on the recliner, my feet up and everything, laughing my balls off at all the stupid stuff Reggie’s girls are going on about. Their conversation keeps circling back to me and I’m in the zone, you know. Lopez would have called me on it, all my fake jokes and bullshit and all, trying to play the role. He’d have straight up asked me what the fuck I was doing, told me to take a look at myself. What, did I think I was going to get laid or something? Well yeah, I might have told him. Maybe I will, and why doesn’t he go take out the garbage or something? But he’s still at work, thank God, and I’m giving the eye to one of Reggie’s coworkers while I refill her wine glass. The one who keeps leaning over to grab another handful of Doritos. Keeps showing me her tits.

The fat one asks where’s Reggie at. Everyone just looks around like how the hell should they know? But she’s asking me, or that’s how it seems anyhow, looking at me all square in the face. I say I think she’s upstairs putting the kid to bed. Probably be just a minute. I say that kid’s a good kid, that Molly, goes to sleep in a snap, but really I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about. Still, when I say it, I snap my fingers and everything starts moving in slow-motion. I hear the crack of the snap, loud as hell just like my pops did, then see all the women’s eyes blink together as they stare at my hand. Then I’m like floating above myself or some shit, having one of them out-of-the-bodily experiences I’ve heard about on the TV. The one with the tits says, wow, that was loud, and I see a few crumbs of orange chips on the front of her shiny red blouse. She’s like a fucking angel just dropped down from heaven. I tell her thanks, then I feel all funny.

I stop feeling all weird when Reggie starts down the stairs. She does a whisper scream that gets the ladies’ attention. Cracks them up. I know my time is done so I get up and head towards the kitchen. But Reggie asks her pals if I was nice, if I was a gentleman. And even the fat one is all nodding, saying yes, yes, nothing but, you know. I look towards tits and she gives me a crazy little half-smile and some kind of wink I’ve never seen before. I smile all toothy and say some shit like, it was a pleasure, hope to meet you all again. And you know what? I mean it. It feels good to be sitting with women who don’t think I’m an asshole. I mean, I’m no asshole like Lopez is an asshole, but God knows I’ve been down that road. I tell them to go on and have a good time, and when the fat one waves goodbye at me, I, no shit, wave back. They all file out the door, flattening their skirts and tossing their hair. Reggie gets up on her tiptoes and kisses me on the cheek, tells me thanks just as Lopez gets home. “Yo, yo, you two, get a fucking room why don’t you,” he says, and Reggie tells him to piss off, there’s food in the oven, that she’ll be home late, that Molly’s down for the night. “Yeah, whatever, love you too. Later.”

Then it’s just me and Lopez in the living room that smells like a strip club. Lopez asks me what the fuck am I standing like that for? Am I seeing them off like their daddy or something? Look at me all ridiculous and shit. He tells me quit being an idiot, blows air through his teeth and shakes his head. He says, fucking la la land, man, fucking la, la! I tell Lopez, fuck you, man, don’t you got some married guy chores to do or whatever. He flips me off as he goes into the kitchen and I sit back in the recliner. I down what’s left of tits’ wine. Then I snap my fingers and nothing happens.

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